It seem like ages ago that we stood in a garden surrounded by our friends and family and said, "I do." Sigh So many memorable moments of that wedding weekend. My little boys, decked out in their tuxes like mini 007s, walking me down the aisle--err, across the garden, making my own bouquet after the florist had failed me, receiving a handmade necklace as a gift from a friend to wear during the ceremony, and the terribly embarrassing exchange with my soon-to-be mother-in-law.
Weddings are like that. No matter how perfectly you plan everything, there's always going to be something that is screwy and seals itself in you mental memory book. Our wedding wasn't the kind of wedding where everything had to be perfect. It wasn't a first marriage for either of us, and being in our 30's I think we were just more chilled out about the whole thing. I wasn't expecting perfection; in fact, I knew there would be things that would come up, and we would just roll with it. I also wasn't expecting the first time I hosted his mother to be one of my more embarrassing moments. I don't often get embarrassed. It's pretty rare. But, well...let's just say my face was aflush.
We timed our wedding so that his mother could be present. She lives on another continent, so it took some planning. She arrived a week or so prior to the wedding to allow her time to settle in. I was so excited to have her in our home (Yes, we lived together before we were married. Get over it.) It was only the second time I had ever met her, and the first time was in her home. Now the pressure was slightly on, as I was the host. I wanted to impress her, sure. I wanted her to know that her son was well-loved, well-taken care of, and all by someone she could be proud to call her daughter-in-law...right?
We had just had some tea and were getting cozy for the evening with a little TV. We were all sprawled out on our sofas with little throws, having delightful conversation about this, that and everything, and Vern was flipping through the channels as we chattered. I have to tell you---because this is relevant to the story--that Vern was not a pro channel surfer. He was often amazed (past tense because we are currently unplugged... more on that in a separate post) at the speed at which I could move through the channels, taking mere micro seconds to scan and assess each offering. No, he instead needed to select and view each channel for...let's say...a count of 5 before deciding to move on to the next or stay tuned. As he was sizing up the selections, he caught a glimpse of Family Guy. Not having ever really watched the show, and knowing my brother was--IS--a huge fan, he hovered long enough to say, "Hey, isn't this that show your brother watches?" To which I replied, "Yeah, that's Family Guy."
Let's pause here a sec. Anyone who is familiar with Family Guy (and I love you, Seth McFarland) knows it's a little, shall we say, off color. Let me remind you, however, that we never really watched the show, but more just knew OF it. We were familiar with the fact that it lended itself to adult humor, but...as fate would have it, the episode showing on that evening, and the scene on which my dear not-quite-yet-husband hovered was a doozy.
A character (who I later learned to be Cleveland) stopped having sex with someone in a car long enough to yell at a dog (Brian) to close the car window because he was letting the stank out, and then proceeded to continue having sex, scene complete with bouncing vehicle. All in 5 seconds. My mouth hung open, I looked at Vern and then at my future mother-in-law, who was already getting up off the couch. With a nervous giggle, she said, "Well, I'll leave you two to watch your cartoon porn," then giggled again and left to go to her room. All the while, Vern and I were both stammering. Two very verbose people suddenly had nothing to say. I was completely mortified.
Here's the clip for reference:
Vern: I'm sorry.
Me: We don't watch this show.
Vern: We had no idea.
Me: We are turning it to something else, really. Right now. (grabbing remote and pushing the channel up button)
Vern: (now also nervously giggling) I'm so sorry.
Damnit, Cleveland. Now the whole thing is tainted with STANK. Awesome. Perfect intro to the American wife.
The wedding itself couldn't have been more lovely. It's hard to believe my Zack and Ryan were
so little. Don't they look handsome?
So, do you have an embarrassing in-law moment?